


arsonist's lullabye

by jessbobess



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Gen, finn/poe if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 12:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5586049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessbobess/pseuds/jessbobess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>May the Force be with you. Hah. That’s funny.</p><p>It was a very nice sentiment, for the General to have sent his oldest comrades to retrieve him, and he wants to appreciate it; but someone’s just been inside his head and sifted - none too considerately - through his most private thoughts, and so it’s all he can do to hold back a derisive snort.</p><p>The Force had been with him, all right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	arsonist's lullabye

**Author's Note:**

> so i saw star wars: the force awakens on christmas, and poe dameron is my sassy fighter pilot son.
> 
> of course, as is the usual with any and all of my fictional children, i must now put him through hell and back, because that is how i show my love.

The Force, Poe thinks, is _bullshit_.

He remembers a time when the Force was a bedtime story, a beautiful chaser to his parents’ awe-inspiring tales of daring and heroism as he settled down for the night, back home on Yavin 4.

He remembers a time when the Force became something real, something concrete; a sturdy tree that he could see and touch, a giver of life and a symbol of the unsullied majesty of the natural world.

He remembers the time when the Force was a watchful guardian, keeping his squadron out of harm’s way on routine patrols and dangerous covert missions alike. He remembers the words _may the Force be with you_ , uttered to him so many times before, by his father when Poe left Yavin for the New Republic, by Karé, by Iolo, by Teffer and Snap and Ello and Jess - by General Organa, less than 72 hours ago when he’d set off for Jakku.

He almost wants to laugh. The Force had been with him, all right.

“ _Commander_ ,” someone is saying, and Poe is jolted back to the present; where his head throbs unrelentingly and he’s wrapped up in a dark fleece blanket, shivering like a _child_ in front of the people who are supposed to see him as their fearless leader.

Poe stares straight ahead, feeling numb.

“Poe,” Karé says, more gently this time, as she crouches down in front of him with a mug in her hands. “You should drink.”

“I’m not thirsty,” he replies flatly, even though it’s a lie. He takes the cup anyway; downs the chilled water in a few gulps. He makes a conscious choice to ignore Karé’s openly worried expression.

“You’re in shock,” Iolo calls from the pilot’s seat, as if Poe doesn’t know this already. Then, in an obvious attempt at lightening up the mood, “What would you do without us, huh?”

If he were feeling more like himself, Poe would laughed at the good-natured jibe; perhaps clapped Iolo on the back and shot back something along the lines of ‘get shit done, probably.’ But he’s not feeling like himself. It was a very nice sentiment, for the General to have sent his oldest comrades, his oldest _friends_ to retrieve him, and he wants to appreciate it; but someone’s just been inside his head and sifted - none too considerately - through his most private thoughts, and so it’s all he can do to hold back a derisive snort.

What did that monster _do_ to him?

“They have a Sith,” he finds himself saying, although he definitely hadn’t intended to talk about this anytime soon, let alone right at this moment. “Or maybe he’s not a Sith, I don’t know, but - but he’s a Force-user.” He swallows. “Kylo Ren.” It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, like the mere mention of the name is venomous. “I’d heard the name around base before, but I didn’t know he was a goddamned _Force-user_.” 

Neither Iolo nor Karé have anything to say in response to this.

And then, after what feels like years of too-heavy silence, Poe has to choke back a sob as he says, “I told him--” And then he can’t continue. His throat tightens painfully. 

“Told him what, Poe?” Karé asks, her dark eyes soft and sad. 

“Everything.” His voice breaks pathetically. Poe wants to look away, wants to hang his head in shame, wants to never have to face the General again; but he forces himself to meet Karé’s eyes. He’s sure he looks like hell. He can’t even imagine what she must be thinking of him right now. Commander Poe Dameron, best pilot in the galaxy, jewel of the New Republic Navy and now the Resistance, knocked down to - to _this_. “I told him about the map. How I gave it to Beebee-Ate, as soon as the Order arrived at the village.” His eyes are starting to burn, and that’s never a good sign.

“It’s not your fault,” Karé says, much too quickly; and goddamn it, how can she know that? He feels rage bubble up from deep within his chest and blinks hard, forcing the hot tears that had been obscuring his vision a moment ago to fall. The fact that he’s _actually crying_ only serves to incite him further, because apparently he can’t even keep his head when it’s _not_ being prodded around in by some Vader wanna-be.

“You don’t know that,” he spits, voicing his earlier thought. “You weren’t there, you don’t know - you don’t know if I could’ve fought harder, if I could’ve done _something_ more--”

Iolo must have switched the ship to autopilot at some point, because all of a sudden he’s there as well, placing his hand on Karé’s shoulder. He brings himself down to Poe’s level and reaches out his other hand, as if he’s about to do the same for him, but then seems to think better of it and retracts it a little awkwardly.

“Look, as long as I’ve known you, Poe, you have _always_ been the guy who’s done everything in his power - and more - to get the job done. Karé and I may not have been on that Star Destroyer with you and Darth Asshole, but there is absolutely _no doubt in my mind_ that whatever happened, you fought as long and hard as you possibly could.”

 _But I failed_ , Poe thought, his face screwed up in a grimace. _I betrayed BB-8, I betrayed the Resistance, I betrayed General Organa, I let everyone down - I couldn’t even save Finn, oh, Force, I got him killed, he saved me and I killed him--_

“Any lesser man would be dead right now,” Iolo continues. “No, seriously. You’re literally the only one I know who could escape the First Order, crash-land a TIE fighter from the atmosphere, and still live to tell the tale.”

The last comment brings about a fresh new wave of pain. A voice inside him screams _that’s not how it happened_ , and the tears threaten to fall again; but he refuses, he _refuses_ to linger at this pity party any longer, because his squadron needs their Commander, and so all he says is “Bastards shoulda locked down all their ships as soon as they knew who was on board.”

He adds a weak, half-hearted smile, the kind that wouldn’t - couldn’t - reach his eyes. It seems as if it’s enough to convince his comrades, though, because both Iolo and Karé seem to let out simultaneous sighs of relief, like they’d been holding their breath this entire time. The tension visibly leaves their bodies. Iolo returns to the controls, shaking his head and grinning, and Karé makes an offhanded comment about fetching more water, but all Poe can do is wrap the blanket tighter around himself and try to ignore the anger and the pain that overshadows his consciousness.

Yeah. The Force had definitely been with him. He just wasn’t sure whether or not he’d be able to repair the ugly scars it had left.

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from the song of the same name by hozier. it's a great song for Angst™.
> 
> iolo and karé were members of poe's squadron in the new republic navy, before all three of them left to join the resistance following poe's recruitment by leia. this information comes from the book star wars: before the awakening, which you should absolutely read if you want to know more about the new trio.


End file.
